Still loved

Written May 2018

On the eve of my Quinn Avery's 9th birthday, I can’t think of a better first post to write about than the bittersweetness of anniversaries. These days can be the worst, but also some of my favorite memories looking back because it’s a day where I don’t feel alone in missing them.

I can’t help but relive the day and all the details surrounding it in my head. It plays like a movie but there’s no “stop” button. I just have to go through the motions and let it happen. I’m a firm believer in allowing yourself to have bad days and sometimes they come when you’re least expecting it and other times you’re ready for them.

In order to get through the day, I have to do something to celebrate my girls. Whether it’s letting off balloons, planting a tree or eating a cupcake… doing something in honor of them just makes me feel good. Now that my boys are older, they come up with their own ideas to say “happy birthday” to their sisters. I love it. It warms my heart and I’m so glad that they have the love for them that they do.

Tomorrow’s itinerary is filled with school activities and sports. It’s the first time that I’ll be forced to do real life stuff on this day and function like a normal person. I wanted to do something different this year to honor Quinn and that’s why I decided to finally start this blog that I’ve been longing to do for awhile now.

I’m looking forward to getting my thoughts down on paper and hopefully sharing ways to cope with loss that will be helpful to others.

Nine years is a long time, but it still feels so raw now and then. Life after loss is full of ups and downs, but eventually the good times start to outweigh the bad…

nwi wildlife photography

Memorial Day

Written May 2018

Memorial Day. It’s a day that has a completely different meaning to me than to everyone else. The day that we officially said goodbye to the life we had hoped for and dreamt about. Twice…

On Memorial Day, May 25th, 2009, we celebrated Quinn with a sweet, private service in the backyard garden of my parent’s house. We planted a rose for her and our family took turns watering it. It was beautiful. The rest is a sort of a blur.

Five years later when I found out I was having another girl and she was due on Memorial Day, I thought just maybe it was a sign. Maybe she was a gift from her sister. And while she may have been, just out of nowhere, Violet was gone too.

Even though we lost Violet in March, I decided to have her service on her due date which was Memorial Day, May 26th, 2014. The two of them would be celebrated on the same day. In some weird way, that felt special and made the most sense to me. Her memorial was beautiful as well. Everyone wrote private messages to her and we put them in little glass bottles. We had violet flowers for all the ladies planted in purple vases. That day is a bit more clear in my memory because a little time had passed since losing her and I had time to process it all.

These memorable dates are so strange because I feel all the “feels” in solitude. It’s something only mamas (and maybe grandmas) that have lost can truly understand. I remember the exact days that I found out I was pregnant, the days that I found out their gender, the days they were due, the days I received their ashes… the list could go on. And all of these days fall silent to everyone else. It’s a tough pill to swallow.

Just know, when you have these days, you are not alone.

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